Some Time Before Dad Died – Talking With the Dead
Mutterings And Murmurs . Social Studies
To spare someone you love from bad news that might upset them should be an obligation. Sometimes the timing of bad news is a factor. The circumstances of the telling of the bad news should be left up to the one that has the news to tell. The following letter was one written to some people that are for all intents and purpose dead to me now, some people that I thought I could trust, some people that I found out years later thought it would be fun to burn a kitten to death in a garbage can. You can’t choose family.
8/5/2017 5:41 PM
Mike,
I have now told mom everything she needs to know about my health situation and in a way that she hopefully won’t have to worry about it so much. She’ll probably worry anyway and forget most of what I told her so she will ask me to clarify anything as my treatment progresses. Being that you are not interested to know anything about it, you do not qualify to talk to her about it. Unless you’ve written mom off too and genuinely want to visit and support her with her cognitive difficulties please try to avoid the usual topics of victimhood and complaint of others when you are so unwilling to share your lives. Don’t drag her into dramas that don’t concern her. Case in point, your giving dad’s house keys to her or discussing the scuttled property sale that you meddled with. Mom’s been through a lot in her life – more than any of us – and deserves some peace and respect. She as much said that she is stressed when she sees you. She said that she’s made to feel guilty that she hasn’t done enough for you and your family….that you want something still. What she does have, she will need when she goes into care which is likely in the future. Clearly there are trust issues. If you have any beefs with me, you’ll have to man up and talk to me directly.
As far as dad goes, he is being properly cared for and I am handling the details best I can and will visit as often as possible between treatments. Visit him or don’t as your conscience allows but don’t complain when he doesn’t recognize you or Pat. He has dementia-Alzheimer’s and forgets what he had for lunch right after he ate it. He will remember you if you talk to him, ask him questions, show him pictures and interact. If visiting him requires a payout, forget it unless it involves providing goods or services.
Al