BRACE, BRACE, BRACE YOURSELF FOR IMPACT!

BRACE, BRACE, BRACE, HEADS DOWN, STAY DOWN!

Can you imagine being on a plane taking a trip to somewhere anywhere to get away from your life in a post nation state and the monsters that are trying to control or end it and you’re feeling daring like always to only pay half attention to the onboard announcements because you hate having the French language shoved down your neck before take off during flight and before landing and not really giving a fuck because jackass in front of you has already reclined it’s seat and smells bad goat barn bad and the purple crew cutted flight attendant has already banged your shoulder twice with her aisle wide hips and she looks daggers at you because you were in her way? Imagine.

Imagine that the flight has been delayed after you have already been on the tarmac for 37 minutes for an ‘as soon as possible’ departure and the A/C is not on and jackass goat man is heating sweating up as he unwraps a 7-11 burrito with it’s tray down. You are not eating or drinking because you are close to departure so you have to keep your oxygen barrier strapped on and you’re already feeling faint from hypoxia asphyxia and the miasma wafting from the reclined goat man and the burrito. This is after you stood in line one hour and 37 minutes at check-in and security to have your injection certificates and ass crack checked for contraband and a bad attitude or illegal hand sanitizer because everyone is a potential non-injected bio non-Islamic terrorist.

Imagine after finally taking off worrying about deep vein thrombosis because your legs are cramped and your knees are crushing against the still reclined seat of goat man you worry that you will never be able to unlever yourself from your seat in the event of a bathroom emergency or any other crisis or that in the wild panic of an emergency the morbidly grotesque circus animal sitting next to you will ooze over you and crush you to death to flee the emergency slowly suffocating you again to death thankfully before you burn to embers.

Imagine that the plane is the country that you are trying so desperately to flee and that you are strapped into your place wanting water and food and air to use your phone to call for help but there isn’t anybody and to get away from goat man and circus animal as well as the wide hipped sky hag Nazi that hates her job so much all she wants to do is get back home to torture her partner Beth in the basement lovingly of course.

Imagine that there is a rumor going around the cabin that the plane is short on fuel and has been put in a holding pattern because you see the same scenes over and over through the windscreen because there was an air traffic controller strike just called yesterday because pangolin she/hers were not included in the hiring and selection process and the captain just died suddenly of a heart attack not related to the experimental injection she received unwillingly to keep her low paying job that doesn’t pay enough to pay off her flight school loans and her son’s gender reassignment. Imagine that the co pilot just got his license two weeks ago from a private flight school funded by The Tides Foundation and Islamic Jihadists the good kind that promotes a religion of peace and was hired because there was a shortage of pilots because so many experienced pilots were dying off after their coerced experimental injections and the government is saying good because death and population reduction was what all this shit was all about.

A Karen screams at a Catholic nun because she removed her oxygen barrier to sip her tea and starts shoving her I Phone into the nun’s face to prove her virtue as a fearful medical justice warrior to which the nun crosses herself and moves her lip saying something.

Imagine now that the plane takes a hard lurch to the left spilling weak coffee and weaker tea and climbs suddenly and hard enough to pull your seat belt into your lap triggering your sciatic nerve and continues for another 37 minutes and then drops down suddenly making everybody scream again especially goat man and circus animal and you feel the descent and quickly pass through a few cloud seams to come out into rain that streaks across the windscreens until you see what looks like a giant Canada goose in the distance that appears to be getting bigger and bigger and you realize that the plane is heading right for it. The goat man has seen the same thing and starts shrieking in a language known only to goats and he keeps pushing the call button with a finger not a hoof. The circus animal is scraping some cheese like substance from under it’s armpit. Wide hipped sky hag Nazi thunders past dislocating shoulders of shrieking cattle-like passengers to get to the flight deck door and starts pounding on it with her tattooed fists. She yells into a phone “What the fuck is going on in there? Hey open up! ” but there is no answer that we can hear above the noise that turns into the high pitched whine of the engines as the plane descends further towards the giant goose.

Imagine that sky hag Nazi gallops back from the flight deck door and punches goat man and circus animal in their throats and tells them to “Shut the fuck up!” and comes to take a swing at me but I make the ‘zip the lip’ motion and close my eyes and then the call comes over the speakers from a voice that sounds a lot like Buddy Cole from ‘The Kids in the Hall’ a Canadian show says quite sweetly –

“BEND DOWN, HOLD YOUR KNEES BEND OVER, GRAB YOUR ANKLES!”

“WE GOT THIS!”

“BEND DOWN, HEADS DOWN, STAY DOWN!”

“BRACE, BRACE, BRACE!”

Imagine the last thing you see before your lights go out and inevitable impact is the tip of a giant goose wing with a grey backdrop and the last thing your physical body hears besides some gurgling noises from goat man and circus animal and so many prayers in multicutural languages is –

“We have arrived at our destination please remain seated with your seat belt firmly fastened and until the aircraft has come to a full and complete stop smoking is not permitted except when in the terminal and then only in designated areas you filthy beasts if this is home welcome home and if you are connecting to any other flights we wish you a safe journey to wherever your travels may take you” and over top of some cheesy jazz type music –

“Thank-you for flying Air Canada”

Your last sub conscious thought as soul leaves body after rending and flaming impact, comes from a wishful mechanical command that says –

“SEAT BELTS OFF, LEAVE EVERYTHING, COME THIS WAY”, “JUMP AND SLIDE”

You are safe with only a few bumps and scrapes…and a nausea from hearing really bad jazz.

The end.

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